My Mother; my mom

She watched me grow

I came from her

I grew in her

She was everything I wanted her to be

She never missed a game

I always looked for her in the crowd

She calls for me

I always waited for her to call

She was there when I wanted her

She gave me everything I wanted from her

I wanted her to be everything that she is

She used to make me so upset but I could never be mad at her

She misses me

I’ll never stop missing her

She’ll never let me go

She watched me wait for her

She held me at night when it was her that made me scared

I cried for her comfort

She didn’t give birth to me

She deserves the title that belongs to you, biologically

She was there when you weren’t

I was traumatized by you

I hate you

You’ll never be what she is

Happy Mother’s Day

 

Different Me’s

Different me’s know different things

Different thems feel different things

Different we’s see different things

Different she’s say different things

 

Different me’s try to forget the past

Different thems make regrets last

Different we’s sometimes feel masked

Different she’s answer questions asked

 

Different me’s take all the blame

Different thems to her hold shame

Different we’s she wants to claim

Different she’s put in different frames

 

Different me’s think I’m a freak

Different thems make me feel weak

Different we’s can’t make her speak

Different she’s know the truth she seeks

 

Different me’s often feel so sick

Different thems make some thoughts stick

Different we’s change her feelings quick

Different she’s want to be picked

 

Different me’s wish we were dead

Different thems hear what I said

Different we’s talk in her head

Different she’s need to be lead

 

Different me’s are being found

Different thems scattered all around

Different we’s feel her heart pound

Different She’s can’t make a sound

 

Different me’s are what divide

Different thems fuel they did provide

Different we’s attempted suicide

Different she’s watched while they cried

 

Different me’s have panic attacks

Different thems coming through the cracks

Different we’s control we lack

Different she’s hard to switch back

 

Different me’s are always near

Different thems more to appear

Different we’s sometimes are clear

Different she’s stuck in different years

 

Different me’s we can’t erase

Different thems search for their place

Different we’s sometimes need space

Different she’s need a warm embrace

 

Different me’s out loud we talk

Different thems she tries to block

Different we’s like to take walks

Different she’s are starting to knock

 

Different me’s will get distracted

Different thems I feel were contracted

Different we’s have pleasantly reacted

Different she’s to me are attracted

 

Different me’s no longer pretend

Different thems new messages they send

Different we’s time together we spend

Different she’s find it hard to blend

 

Different me’s reflect each day

Different thems will find their way

Different we’s she’d like to stay

Different she’s don’t feel like prey

 

Different me’s are the ones who smile

Different thems added to pile

Different we’s can get quite wild

Different she’s play like a child

Forward

Moving forward but I slip

Anticipating a trip

Falling

Am I stalling

Waiting

Debating

But forward I move

Back in my groove

Again off track

I lack

Control

Of my role

I’m distorting

And hurting

My progress

I confess

But forward I go

To show

I’m still succeeding

While repeating

What I used to think

There’s a link

Between me

And me

Caught between

Which way to lean

Still forward I walk

While I talk

I remind

My mind

Of how hard I work

But they still lurk

Trying

Lying

Refusing

Confusing

How far I’ve walked

Still be stalked

At night

But I fight

To keeping recovering

And discovering

How I’m improving

And moving

Forward

In Memory Of:

Age:
Died:
Loving daughter of..
Beloved wife..
Mother of..
A Form I almost filled out myself
A year has passed
One full year
I don’t believe it, I can’t

I’m still afraid
Afraid to be back in the place
Afraid to not recognize when I am, if I am, that I am

Anniversaries are reminders
Of life changing events

Beginnings and endings
Today still marks one year
But not of my ending
It’s finally here
My birthday, but that one only I celebrate
A full year about one day

They say to live in the present
But today I’m remembering the past
While celebrating that I can celebrate this moment

It’s been a year of transformation
Affirmation
Participation
Being a complete different person is confusing
Especially when you’re still you
But you can be both
Today as I celebrate who I am
I remember who I was

While asking myself who will you be
 

Chasing the Pause

It’s an impulse, it’s an addiction

Most people view issues like this as fiction

They don’t understand that what we have is an affliction

We’re chasing a pause

 

The pause is a break from reality

The end of our struggles we think it is the key

We know it’s not ok, to that all of us agree

But we need the pause

 

The need to escapes is so very real

For some have no morals so it makes them steal

Either way what we have helps us to deal

Our addition is the pause

 

Without the pause we feel all the pain

It hurts so much but why we can’t explain

Sometimes we try to quit but we cannot refrain

A sign of relief when we take our pause

 

No matter the addition it is always on our mind

How we hurt others because of it we are blind

We will do anything just to find

The pause

 

In its walls we are confined

The first time not realizing the deal we just signed

That’s when we left our old life behind

To chase another pause

 

When people don’t understand, they tend to ask why

They think it’s easy to fix, so they just tell us to try

but sometimes we chase so hard we die

Yet we can’t stop chasing the pause

 

The reasons we have it are different for all

Whatever the pain to the pause we did call

To help us unwind from our tight little ball

To find Our pause

 

From the intensity of life we need a release

To slow our mind and feel at peace

But as we continue, our does we increase

To feel the same pause

 

 

To others we say, you don’t know what it’s like to be me

The pause is the only way we can feel free

When we’re on it we feel so good and carefree

We love the pause

 

Our pause to others often doesn’t make sense

They don’t understand how the release relieves what is intense

Every time we do it new thoughts commence

Safety is our pause

 

Good or bad we all have vice

To go to it for comfort we don’t think twice

Some of us though pay a higher price

To feel a pause

 

When we need it some of us our life we bet

We do things to get it that we regret

Again to others we don’t know how much we upset

By chasing the pause

 

Sometimes we switch to a different one

From our old one away we are trying to run

To pretend about all the things that can’t be undone

But really it’s another web we have spun

To find another pause

 

To live in our bodies without it we feel strange

From numbness to freedom is a negative exchange

A release from our misery we try to arrange

To feel the pause

 

I look to the pause as my dear friend

To others who ask, my pause I defend

I’m working on trying to make it all end

So writing is how I pause

 

 

 

 

I stood up and I faced my fear

There I stood in a room full of people

At an open house to hear me speak

Shaking as I started to tell my story

My body felt frozen and weak

 

I practiced my speech over and over

I reworded, retyped and rewrote

I really don’t want to mess this up

A lump welling up in my throat

 

Hello everyone, hi, thank you for coming

Where do I even start

How much am I going to put out there

My body throbbing from the beat of my heart

 

What did I get myself in to

Why did she ask me to speak tonight

To describe my experience in treatment

To the program I would shed some light

 

Here I am ready to share my story

And there are points that I don’t want to miss

I rehearsed, I practices, I repeated

Maybe I’m not ready for this

 

It’s ok, just breathe, we’re gonna be fine

She asked you to do this for a reason

To share my life in recovery

And how my eating disorder was only a season

 

All eyes in the room were on me

I had so many supporters in the crowd

I looked at them when I got nervous

I just wanted to make them proud

 

From Res, to partial to IOP

I had changed so much in less than a year

After my introduction was over

I stood up and I faced my fear

51 days is about my journey through recovery at the Renfrew residential program. Tonight I’m giving a speech about my recovery and I am excited and nervous to share my story. Renfrew has really changed my life and I would recommend it for anything struggling with an eating disorder.