Hiding

When I was little I learned to hide

From men and from my mother

I’d find the things I could crawl inside

To get away from others

 

Early on I learned how to curl up into a ball

I’d find things I could hide behind, find places that were small

 

I did this to not have to lay beside all of them in a bed

Back and forth the truck would rock

No matter what I said

When that one was gone, on the door another would knock

She told me once that this is how we would get fed

 

Hiding saved my often for money of me she’d sell

That is something to this day on I cannot dwell

 

I hid away from everyone as protection from abuse

It’s how I got away from all the pain they would induce

 

When mom got mad or men were mean

Inward I would turn

That’s why I’d try to go unseen

In case they did return

 

I had many hiding places so I would be prepared

So I could safely go somewhere when I got really scared

Sometimes when I would wake up I’d be behind a chair

Under blankets, under beds, I would hide anywhere

 

Many nights I’d lay awake waiting for her love

Softly I would cry because of the men she put above

 

Hiding is something that is done when people live in fear

But it was something I would do to try to disappear

At first it was emotional, the hate I for myself was strong

I would say to myself nowhere did I belong

Pushed and pulled I always felt, like I had to tag along

Into situations where I knew that something was really wrong

 

I found comfort in hiding, it gave me a sense of peace

Partly because the chances of abuse would then decrease

And I no longer had to struggle for them to me release

 

Alone I’d be all by myself until she did return

I’d ask her where she was so long but that was none of my concern

Hours I would go forgotten as if no one did care

Of things I needed, asking for I did not dare

Many of my hiding places she was not aware

 

She’d get mad at me when I was gone which only made things worse

I’d ask myself why it was me that stuck with this curse

 

Sometimes hiding made it worse when I would be discovered

She knew why I was hiding, the truth she wanted to stay uncovered

Hiding kept many secrets from being revealed

It’d hide the mental and physical hurt that could stay concealed

 

I always knew deep down inside she never would pick me

No matter how hard I tried or how good that I would be

I told myself she hated me because of something that I did

Hiding I have always done, since I was a little kid

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