I’m Fine

I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine

I repeat my mantra as I hold back tears

Not realizing in the moment I’ll write about this later

Holding back this fear of crying is extremely tiring

 

But why don’t I just let go

I physically won’t let myself

I mentally cannot feel those tears running down my face

What’s the fear, tell me about that, how so

 

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t

No, stop it, yeah I should, but no

Fuuuuck that, absolutely not

My body does not allow itself to express emotion

 

The fear is me saying what I’m actually thinking

What I’ve been holding back even from myself

What I’ve been protecting myself from

The thing that evokes shame, embarrassment, nausea, regret, The Pit, the wrongness inside

 

So how are you, I’m fine, how are you?

I’m well, thanks for asking

We both sit in silence while I wrestle with myself

Afraid to discuss why I’m really here

 

Ok let’s dip the emotional toe

As she sits, waiting for me to crack, to break the silence

Well I’m actually not ok

If I was I wouldn’t be here as I think about what I’m going to disclose

 

So I word vomit, usually in writing, because writing is how I speak

Ok here’s this disgusting fact about myself

The anxiety of what I shared is mind consuming

Why. Did. I.  Just. Say that

 

It’s like I just confessed to murder

There sits my written statement

If I did say it out loud, I don’t recognize the sound of my own voice

Words I can’t recant, seeing everything I said written down by the detective

 

I killed the memory and here is where I buried the fear

After the shock of releasing the secret

In some way I’m relieved

Now I’m not fighting this battle alone

 

Here comes the tell me about that

Oh no my work for session is over

If we don’t talk about it now we never will

That’s correct

 

The worst however is leaving both sessions

The one when I faced the fear

And the one I when I felt the feels

Why, because then I’m on my own

 

Another part of not wanting to participate in my own therapy

Is because once I say what I feel I’m released into the real world again

Everything has been stirred up, now I’m scared

I go home to lay in the dark waiting for an invader to find me

 

The invader WILL find me hiding

They will tear me from under my bed

As I kick and scream, crying for help in my empty house

I’ve been kidnapped and won’t be found for another week.

 

When I am found I’m too traumatized to talk

I know I’m not ok

But I sit there repeating to myself

I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine

 

 

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