How It Feels

How it feels

 

It can start at any time, any where

One word, one thought, a memory

Intense emotions rise, too much to bare

You become your own enemy

 

I hate myself, I’m stupid, worthless

Negative thoughts run through you head

That was dumb, why did I do that, I’m careless

I can’t take it back, I rather be dead

 

Your heart pounds, palms sweat, but outside you wear your smile

Laugh, joke, and pretend you’re fine

But inside you know it will be a while

Before you start to believe you’ll ever stop walking that thin line

 

Sometimes you are fine and forget you ever would

Life is good, back to normal, back to being you

Then you’ll start to think about if you really could

You begin to think that you can do whatever you set your mind too

 

But at times you feel you are so weak

What would happen if I did

The plan is there just in case you reach your peak

That’s when you know you need to run to your safe place where before you’ve hid

 

It’s easier to lay in the bed drowning in your thoughts

I can’t get up, there is no point, I want to lay right here

Other days you do get up proud of your monsters you fought

You’re out of that dark place so yourself you no longer fear

 

You’re sitting still, not thinking anything

Somewhat numb but mostly just avoiding

Afraid of what your thoughts my bring

Because your mind is always recording

 

People don’t realize how often that you think

Of letting go and being gone unable to be strong

They think you’re fine when really you could be gone in just a blink

And you feel shame to think these thoughts because you know that they are wrong

 

You’re too afraid to voice it to someone

Because then they might have to tell

You instantly regret everything you just have done

Now you’re living your minds hell

 

 

You try  to find something to fill your days

Something healthy, something fun, so those feelings you release

Something that is new and gets you out of your old ways

To stop the thoughts from spinning so you can be at peace

 

People ask how you are, are you feeling better

You lie and say you don’t feel good because you don’t want all the questions

You’re using the I’m sick excuse when you say you feel under the weather

Because you just don’t want to hear all of their suggestions

 

You once thought it was normal to want to kill yourself

Because it’s become a common thing to joke about out loud

But really it means you’re on a different shelf

You fit in with a different type of crowd

 

Once you tried, or admit those thoughts, you feel forever judged
People tell you doing that is being very selfish

You can tell that other people to you will hold a grudge

That you almost left THEM, now who is being selfish

 

When you look at yourself in the mirror, who’s looking back is a stranger

You say to yourself you don’t really want to die, you just need to learn to feel

So you sometimes do things that put your life in danger

Because you think risking your life again will teach you how to deal

 

The scary thing is that those thoughts never really go away

They’re like a shadow, always following you around

The pro’s and con’s you regularly weigh

You don’t know what to say, who to tell, so you don’t make a sound

 

 

 

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