Information

Clarification

Anticipation

Fear

 

I’m not mad

Is it ok to be mad

At her

At him

At them

At myself

 

So much wrong has happened

But

This time I’m not going to lay down

Lifeless

Pretending

Now I’m defending

Myself, my body

 

What happened to you I wonder

Who made you want to build yourself up

So you could tear other people down

 

And you

Where were you

Everywhere

Yet not there

 

Confusion

Exclusion

Contusion

 

Broken

Forgotten

Fixed

Shattered

 

I can’t let go

Of what I had

Or the idea of you

 

I’m always picked to lose

Abandoned

Disappointed

Hollow

My dreams I follow

Turn to regret

Her taking

Her leaving

Him never there

Them stealing

Me, for me

Lying to me

 

Who….you

What….everything

When….all the time

How….only you know

Why

Ambivalence

One hundred and fifty five

At this weight I survive

Lapsing

Collapsing

Trying to tap into my coping skills

So much stress over bills

Clothes are a trigger

I’m starting to get bigger

Stop restricting

Thoughts are conflicting

I just need to be open

My struggle must be spoken

But I just want to get back

Self control I lack

To the past I ran

But back to the plan

We’ll be ok

Because now we know the way

I will lose no longer

My recovery is stronger

Recovery is my rite

So I must continue to fight

Staring at a page waiting for words to come out

My hand blocking the ink from revealing my secrets

 

Writing in how I feel

When I can’t write I know something is deeply wrong

 

I live on the pages where my words are written

Visualizing my thoughts, my emotions, my demons

 

When my hands are stuck I can feel something right under the surface

Just far enough away to know it’s there but unable to discern what it is

 

I’m not ready for whatever my body is hiding

Yet my body tells me otherwise
My mind tricks me into thinking I’m ok

But the body really does keep the score

 

Pain, discomfort, shaking, insomnia

Signs that tell me not everything in fine

 

My hands are my favorite part of my body

They allow me to live my passion and feel my soul

 

Once everything is on paper it cannot be taken back

My words then become discoverable to people other than myself

 

 

 

 

Disappointment

Shame

Relief

Hidden secrets

Not again

Who to tell

Not her

Why

Shame

Disappointment

Heavy words

Dry throat

Pounding heart

Confusion

Ambivalence

Awareness

Not me

No

Not me

What a rush

I missed you old friend

Missed my reflection disappearing

By words I ate

Weakness

Slips

Living the past

It’s true

It happens to EVERYONE

it happened to me

Now no longer behavior free

When I don’t write

When I don’t write things get worse

I think that’s the first

Antecedent

I’m dead inside when I don’t write

When I don’t write I fight

Myself

I can’t challenge what I think

Further into darkness I sink

Alone

When I don’t write I get stuck in my mind

Because I’m blind

And I can’t see my words

I look At words like a friend

To me messages they send

Of what I can’t say

Writing is calming

Keeps me from the embalming

Writing keeps me alive

With words I feel seen

The express what I mean

On a page

Writing is how I live

How I give

To the world

I can’t

It starts in my core then works its way out

I try to avoid what I know it’s about

Why am I like this, why can’t I change

Why in does being in my body feel strange

I don’t think I can take it, I clearly don’t to try

It wasn’t working before, I can’t make myself cry

There are so many things of myself that I hate

I don’t feel I can be saved, I feel it’s too late

I’m lying to myself when I say that I’m trying

I know that I’m worthless a truth I’ve been denying

There no hope for me and I know that I’m right

I’m stuck in my tunnel away from the light

I’m stuck in myself, I hate being me

When I look around it is only destruction I see

I don’t live in the present, I’m so stuck in my past

It’s such a big shadow over myself I have cast

My heart is so heavy, I can no longer pretend

Life is no fairy tale but all stories close with ‘The End’